Desperately Seeking Disappointment

eHarmony. Sigh. So, this is really what it has come to? Really? Again? Yes, I said again. I'm on my third three-month subscription attempt in four years. That could not be more embarrassing to admit. If it weren't for those three girls I know who met their husbands on it, I would say it is a tremendous waste of time. Not to mention money. Not to mention possibly your heart and your feelings. Not to mention the almost insurmountable odds that it will only lead to further dating-world disappointment. Can you tell I'm not at peace with it?

Every time I go the eHarmony website and type in my login and password I find myself saying, "chasing after the wind," as I type. Why does eHarmony feel like chasing after the wind? Why does it feel like grasping at straws? Something about it feels off. It feels not right. It feels like we're seeking and orchestrating a way to obtain for ourselves that which should be left to the mystical. To the magical. ie - to God. Are we not seeking to obtain something that should be given, rather than sought?

Maybe I've seen too many movies. Maybe I've heard too many neat stories of couples that just met and just knew and it just worked and how cool. Stories of how they just happened to be at the right place at the right time and it just happened, all by surprise (big cheesy grin implied). Side note: I can't tell you how many times I've been told to go to the grocery store. Seriously. Over the years, while lamenting my singleness, I've been told by both male and female friends to go to the grocery store, bump into some handsome guy's cart, and strike up a conversation. This is how I'm supposed to meet my husband. Right. This advice is obviously coming from my married male and female friends, because who else romanticizes the grocery store? Just kidding. But, to be honest, I've tried it and it doesn't work. My point is, who we marry is a big deal. It's really big. So big, in fact, that I tend to think it should be left out of my hands.

Meeting and marrying the right person feels like one of those things that should just happen. It shouldn't be researched and applied for and boiled down to a personality questionnaire. Right? Shouldn't it be in the realm of the magical? I have a friend that says, "God chose your husband for you before the foundation of the world. He knows who you will marry and His timing is perfect." Does that not imply that setting up a profile on eHarmony and communicating with matches is me trying to make something happen when really it should be left to God? But, what about all the other big areas of life?

Now, call me crazy, but I'm pretty sure I picked a major. I think I remember scouting out colleges, weighing pros and cons, and evaluating the options. I'm pretty sure I picked a career, a car, and heck, even a credit card all in the same fashion. Yes, I prayed as I went along and sought wisdom from the Lord. But, the bottom line is, I took action. I did the research. I knocked on different doors. Some were opened for me, and some were closed in my face. What I'm wondering is, why do I feel more at peace with inaction rather than action regarding the issue of who I marry? Would seeking a husband not fall into the same lines as seeking out a college, a career, a job, or a car to buy? All of these things involve a process of evaluation. We use our knowledge, skills, resources, and past experiences to guide us in the decision-making process. Why would the approach to our dating lives be any different?

As I'm writing this, I have my TV on DirectTV channel 365, also known as GodTV. The sound is muted, but I just so happened to look up and see a commercial with the following words flashed across the screen in big, bold letters: GOD IS YOUR MATCHMAKER. I have no idea what that advertisement was for. But, nonetheless, it argues my point that possibly, collectively, we believe God will bring us our spouse. That it is something He will do, that He will ordain, in a magical God kind of way. Funny, it didn't say GOD IS YOUR CAREER FINDER - so don't bother posting your resume on Monster.com. Don't worry with resumes or job applications. Don't put a bid on a house or test drive different cars. Yet, we do these things and don't question it even for a minute (while praying and surrendering our lives to Him along the way, of course). So, why is finding the right person to marry any different?

I may be onto something. In the book Boundaries in Dating, the authors give a disclaimer that "it is good to offer our dating lives as part of the living sacrifice that helps submit all aspects of our lives to God's order for our existence. The more our lives are surrendered to Him, the more He is able to fashion our lives as we were meant to be." I'm surrendered to the Lord. I'm His child. I want His perfect plan and His will for my life over my own will or desires. Yet, I'm not a robot. I'm not a piece of wood. I'm not a bump on a log. I've had thirty-one years of relationships, learning about people and developing critical thinking skills, and I've had plenty of learning experiences. I've come to many crossroads along the way, prayed, and then taken a step in one direction or another according to God's leading. God has given me a mind to use, and His Spirit as my guide. So, as long as my life is surrendered to the Lord and I'm seeking His will, is it wrong to put myself out there in the online dating world? Is it so different than job applications or car shopping? For some reason, it still feels as though it is. It feels as though dating is in a category of its own. But, I don't know why.

All of my questions regarding eHarmony have led me to even bigger questions about God, His will, His sovereignty, and His perfect plan for our lives. God is a mystery. His sovereignty vs. our choices, an even bigger mystery! And, the way of the heart and what takes place there between a man and a woman, one of the biggest (Proverbs 30: 18-19). I wrestle with these questions. I don’t have the answers. I haven't come to any conclusions. I am, however, open for input. In the meantime, I'm going to log into eHarmony and write back to David, Leasing Agent in Shreveport - just to see what happens...

Tom Cruise: I want answers!
Jack Nicholson: You want answers?
Tom Cruise: I want the truth!
Jack Nicholson: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
(similar conversation between me and God today when I asked how His sovereignty works... but less shouty on God's part, of course)